Thursday, April 06, 2006

Friday, November 26, 2004

Have we lost our way?

It seems a shame to bring up one plain fact for everyone to remember. The thing that sets us apart has nothing to do with this gang. We could call ourselves anything we want, Hellfish just has a nice ring to it...and a complimentary tattoo. Getting a ridiculous tattoo will not make you one of us though, but it will certainly give us something to laugh at. As I was saying, the thing that makes us a gang is the thing that sets us apart...our hate. Our absolute, umitigated hatred for everyone around us is our life. I guess the reality of it is that we don't just hate you, we barely even realize you're there. You aren't even human. Your pains are not our own, and we will never know them. My digression will never fully explain this to you, but that's okay. I wouldn't expect you to understand. It is important for you to realize one thing: you cannot become a least not in the sense that you would hope. Do you think Francisco Franco became a tyrant? No, he was fucking born that way. His vast hatred was ingrained in his genetics. Could you imagine Joseph Stalin as a gardener? Of course you couldn't. Joseph Stalin was a mean motherfucker. He didn't take candy from babies, he took candy from babies then tore out their eyes so it was the last thing they saw. We're talking about evil here folks. Solid gold evil. So stop trying to be a Hellfish before someone gets hurt. Bunch of bitches.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

My Apologies

Well, it is time for me to pack it up. It all started out great, but due to my lack of having anything to really write about I have turned it into crap. For this I apologize. This will be my last post on Life In Iraq. I hope that my collegues will be able to restore it to the promising site that it had the potential to become.

I quit.

Ain't Nuttin' but a Gangsta Party

The so called "elders" of the elusive Fighting Hellfish have recently got together to discuss the future of the organization.
What will the future hold for the HELLFISH? How will this group of rowdies turn their group into a respectable organization, or at least appear that way?
Will this gang ever accept a woman as one of their own?
These were just some of the topics of discussion in the meeting of the elders. I will update you all on the developments of the meeting as the details are divulged to me.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

It' The Simple Things

Yesterday I walked back to JDAM and as I reached my bed and there it was my two laundry bags. For those of you who are not familiar with our current living conditions. Every Monday and Thursday we drop off our dirty laundry bags in the bed of a hummer. It is then taken to the laundry shack where a gang of Flips washes our clothes. Then on the following day it makes its voyage back to a huge wooden crate similar to a water well. Well by the time I get out of work its dark as shit and there are so many laundry bags it's almost impossible to find your bag. But for the last few weeks an angel of god has been placing my laundry on my bed for me. It's the greatest feeling in the world. You don't have any idea how it feels. They should make a Budweiser Real American Hero commercial for you. Mr. Laundry picker upper you’re the best. I salute you my friend.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

They are coming out of the woodwork

We have another new member of the HELLFISH. This man went through great lengths to join this gang. Instead of simply pushing a stranger, he pushed a young marine who was in front of him in line at the chow hall causing him to drop his tray of food. When it came to the spitting on a picture of a loved one he refused to spit on his wife or kids, so he spit directly on his best friend. Right in the mans face. If that doesn't spell out a bad ass, I don't know what does. Other than a persian gal in the "reverse cowgirl" as grande said in his last post. Who is this man, his name is Daniel Eibert (GySgt, usmc). O.K. so he is not an actuall badass, but he is an ideal member. I sought him out to become a member after I saw at what lengths he would go to win a game any game. I saw this man serve in a ping pong man at the same time I saw him shove the table in order to throw off his opponent. With a man with these kinds of values on our side, no one can stand in our way. Then again how much of a badass can you be when you cheat at ping pong. Either way, he is our newest member. However, he will not receive the same fan fare as Tim Kamb, we still welcome him with open arms, then we shall knee him in his gentiles to fully welcome him to our illustrious organization.

Monday, November 22, 2004

A Warm Welcome To The Newest HellFish

Captain Tim Kamb. A Borne member of thy Fighting HellFish.

Did Tim Kamb complete the necessary requirements to be a HellFish? No. And here's why.

It is with great pleasure that I announce that I am Capt. Tim Kamb's Intern.

Any work which he need's done...I do it. That is why I lost two teeth over the weekend. You want me to spit on a picture of a loved one...I spat on my grandma instead. That's what HellFish do.

Hit on a Iraqi woman? I'll do you one better...I had a Persian broad in the "reverse cowgirl" position not but two weeks ago.

All for Tim Kamb.

Welcome to the HellFish, sir.

The Intern

A Member who knows how to Represent

Ladies and Gents, we have a new member to the FIGHTING HELLFISH. This man was born to be in an organization such as this. This mans name is Capt. Tim Kamb. He is a prime example of what a HELLFISH should be. He did not complete the three tasks that pledges must complete. He said that he could do all of the tasks and that was good enough for me. So there you have it, his confidence has won us over and that is why he is a FIGHTING HELLFISH.
So with this I formally welcome our newest member.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Next on the Agenda

Now we have a new enemy. This enemy is St. Louis bouncers. After we finish off the Daniel Boones we will focus our power squarely on the St. Louis Bouncers. After you read the article underneath this post you will understand why this enemy must be stopped. They must be stopped because they too are homosexuals who try to push their lifestyle upon the FIGHTING HELLFISH. How do I know they are hetero-challenged. Well they were wearing a pink striped shirt according to the story.

An Example For HellFish World Wide

It's Friday night in Saint Louis, Missouri. I'm out boozing with my best friend who came in town for the weekend and an entourage of pretty girls.

It was about two in the morning when my friend was getting kicked out of this club for telling a bouncer that he had a "nice pink striped shirt" on.

As my friend was being led out some dude got in his face and said "thanks for get the fuck out of here!" At which point in time i told him to "shut the fuck up" and pushed him down.

Well, he ended up being the owner of the club, so three bouncers immediatly grabbed me, put me in a full-nelson and carried me outside, where they then slammed my head into the sidewalk.

My buddy said when I got up off the sidewalk I smiled at the guy who threw me down and he said I looked just like Tyler Durden after Lou beat him up in Fight Club.

So, the end result... It was 2 o'clock in the am, and I'm standing in front of a club with blood all over me talking to the cops.The cops tried to tell me I didnt lose any teeth. So I called the liars and then they admitted that I was missing some grill.

The Final Score of the Evening:
Security- 1, Al Fritz- 0

I not only lost the fight, I lost my two front teeth in the process.

This is the type of behavior I expect out of all Fighting HellFish.


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