life in iraq

It seems a shame to bring up one plain fact for everyone to remember. The thing that sets us apart has nothing to do with this gang. We could call ourselves anything we want, Hellfish just has a nice ring to it...and a complimentary tattoo. Getting a ridiculous tattoo will not make you one of us though, but it will certainly give us something to laugh at. As I was saying, the thing that makes us a gang is the thing that sets us apart...our hate. Our absolute, umitigated hatred for everyone around us is our life. I guess the reality of it is that we don't just hate you, we barely even realize you're there. You aren't even human. Your pains are not our own, and we will never know them. My digression will never fully explain this to you, but that's okay. I wouldn't expect you to understand. It is important for you to realize one thing: you cannot become a Hellfish...at least not in the sense that you would hope. Do you think Francisco Franco became a tyrant? No, he was fucking born that way. His vast hatred was ingrained in his genetics. Could you imagine Joseph Stalin as a gardener? Of course you couldn't. Joseph Stalin was a mean motherfucker. He didn't take candy from babies, he took candy from babies then tore out their eyes so it was the last thing they saw. We're talking about evil here folks. Solid gold evil. So stop trying to be a Hellfish before someone gets hurt. Bunch of bitches.

Well, it is time for me to pack it up. It all started out great, but due to my lack of having anything to really write about I have turned it into crap. For this I apologize. This will be my last post on Life In Iraq. I hope that my collegues will be able to restore it to the promising site that it had the potential to become.

I quit.

The so called "elders" of the elusive Fighting Hellfish have recently got together to discuss the future of the organization.
What will the future hold for the HELLFISH? How will this group of rowdies turn their group into a respectable organization, or at least appear that way?
Will this gang ever accept a woman as one of their own?
These were just some of the topics of discussion in the meeting of the elders. I will update you all on the developments of the meeting as the details are divulged to me.

We have another new member of the HELLFISH. This man went through great lengths to join this gang. Instead of simply pushing a stranger, he pushed a young marine who was in front of him in line at the chow hall causing him to drop his tray of food. When it came to the spitting on a picture of a loved one he refused to spit on his wife or kids, so he spit directly on his best friend. Right in the mans face. If that doesn't spell out a bad ass, I don't know what does. Other than a persian gal in the "reverse cowgirl" as grande said in his last post. Who is this man, his name is Daniel Eibert (GySgt, usmc). O.K. so he is not an actuall badass, but he is an ideal member. I sought him out to become a member after I saw at what lengths he would go to win a game any game. I saw this man serve in a ping pong man at the same time I saw him shove the table in order to throw off his opponent. With a man with these kinds of values on our side, no one can stand in our way. Then again how much of a badass can you be when you cheat at ping pong. Either way, he is our newest member. However, he will not receive the same fan fare as Tim Kamb, we still welcome him with open arms, then we shall knee him in his gentiles to fully welcome him to our illustrious organization.

Captain Tim Kamb. A Borne member of thy Fighting HellFish.

Did Tim Kamb complete the necessary requirements to be a HellFish? No. And here's why.

It is with great pleasure that I announce that I am Capt. Tim Kamb's Intern.

Any work which he need's done...I do it. That is why I lost two teeth over the weekend. You want me to spit on a picture of a loved one...I spat on my grandma instead. That's what HellFish do.

Hit on a Iraqi woman? I'll do you one better...I had a Persian broad in the "reverse cowgirl" position not but two weeks ago.

All for Tim Kamb.

Welcome to the HellFish, sir.

Sincerely,
The Intern

Ladies and Gents, we have a new member to the FIGHTING HELLFISH. This man was born to be in an organization such as this. This mans name is Capt. Tim Kamb. He is a prime example of what a HELLFISH should be. He did not complete the three tasks that pledges must complete. He said that he could do all of the tasks and that was good enough for me. So there you have it, his confidence has won us over and that is why he is a FIGHTING HELLFISH.
So with this I formally welcome our newest member.

Now we have a new enemy. This enemy is St. Louis bouncers. After we finish off the Daniel Boones we will focus our power squarely on the St. Louis Bouncers. After you read the article underneath this post you will understand why this enemy must be stopped. They must be stopped because they too are homosexuals who try to push their lifestyle upon the FIGHTING HELLFISH. How do I know they are hetero-challenged. Well they were wearing a pink striped shirt according to the story.

It's Friday night in Saint Louis, Missouri. I'm out boozing with my best friend who came in town for the weekend and an entourage of pretty girls.

It was about two in the morning when my friend was getting kicked out of this club for telling a bouncer that he had a "nice pink striped shirt" on.

As my friend was being led out some dude got in his face and said "thanks for coming...now get the fuck out of here!" At which point in time i told him to "shut the fuck up" and pushed him down.

Well, he ended up being the owner of the club, so three bouncers immediatly grabbed me, put me in a full-nelson and carried me outside, where they then slammed my head into the sidewalk.

My buddy said when I got up off the sidewalk I smiled at the guy who threw me down and he said I looked just like Tyler Durden after Lou beat him up in Fight Club.

So, the end result... It was 2 o'clock in the am, and I'm standing in front of a club with blood all over me talking to the cops.The cops tried to tell me I didnt lose any teeth. So I called the liars and then they admitted that I was missing some grill.

The Final Score of the Evening:
Security- 1, Al Fritz- 0

I not only lost the fight, I lost my two front teeth in the process.

This is the type of behavior I expect out of all Fighting HellFish.

KICK ASS BITCHES!

Due to equal opportunity and affirmative action we are being forced to recruit new members of different ethnicity. That is correct, no longer is this institution of white America and one Hispanic. That being said there is a position available for one really large well built black man. Yes I realize this sounds rather homoerotic. Trust me it isn’t meant in that way, we could use him for our brut squad to fight against the anally inclined Daniel Boones’. We could also use a couple of Hispanic fellows to help us steal from the Daniel Boone gang. To put it simply we could use any ethnicity that has a stereotype for fighting and stealing, except for the Irish cause we would like for everyone to be able to drink at the meetings without the Irishman drinking us out of house and home. Oh, yes, least I forget a Jewish member would be ideal for keeping doing the bookkeeping. If anyone of any other ethnic group would like to apply we must with a heavy heart accept your application.

p.s. this was written in good fun please do not take offense to these writings if you are ethnic. If you are of a cardholding member of the white majority of this country and you have taken offense to this article, well go fuck yourself white devil.

Here is the scenario: Last night I was smoking a cigarette outside, cause that's where I smoke, when out of no where I was jumped by a couple of coon skin cap wearing bitches. These guys were vicsious, and homosexually inclined I might add. If it wasn't for some of my fellow HELLFISH coming to join me in a smoke, they would have destroyed me. They were attempting to screw me in a very uncomfortable place(like the back of a volkswagon). I was fortunate, and I pray that you all are as well.
These "Daniel Boone" bitches must be stopped in their tracks. They must be stopped.
I want their leaders head on a plate. A big silver platter.
They want to overthrow us and take over our turf. They will stop at nothing to complete their agenda.
Their agenda: To take our turf and have their way with us anally.
Watch Your Asses. Their eyes are on it.

This is not a test. Earlier this afternoon a rival gang moved into our turf, waving coonskin hats in defiance. One of them even flashed me his "wagon wheel" gang sign. This manifest destiny crap is bullshit. Hellfish rally! We can't allow these colonial haters to walk without fear. Be on the lookout for their pledges attemting to infiltrate the Hellfish hierarchy. They are recruiting new members from everywhere around us...especially from the dreaded PANDA. They frequently commit any of a number of heinous acts, all of them directly offending our creed. Some can be found feigning motivation in an unmotivating environment. This pretentious behavious is unacceptable. Deal with them as only Hellfish CAN! Push them for no good reason. Make fun on their family. Get dirt on them and blackmail their ass. Worst of all their leader hides among us. Inside word is that he is slow, balding and severely myopic. Cut him down Hellfish. Then piss on him or something. Such is befitting a shrew of his reputation. No one walks on the Fighting Hellfish...least of all a fag in a stupid hat....

This is the question of the day. Do you think you have what it takes to be a member of the famous FIGHTING HELLFISH? It takes a special breed of man to join this gang. Only a few will be hand selected for the gang. Everyone else will have to pass an initial interview and then accomplish three goals. All three goals must be verified by a member. Upon completing these three tasks you will be dubbed a member of the most vile group of misfits this planet has ever seen, a FIGHTING HELLFISH.

What are these three tasks? Well, I'm glad you asked. They are in no particular order:
1. You must push a stranger. We are not talking about some fairly little push, or nudging someone when you walk past them, no, this should be a full out shove, hell tackle some one if you like.
2. Spit on a picture of a loved one. Sounds simple, because it is. However, you must live with the fact that you basically spit on a loved ones memory. So have fun.
3. Hit on an Iraqi woman. Now this is a task that is going to be a little difficult. Due to the lack of interaction with the Iraqi people you are going to find this to be a challenge. I would venture to say this will keep our gang small in numbers, but abundant in bad asses.

I challenge you, would be members to see if you have what it takes. Not everyone is cutout to be a FIGHTING HELLFISH. So I ask again, Do you have what it takes?

Today I had a conversation with one of the pledges of the Fighting Hellfish. Why, you ask? The answer is simple, I must talk to these lower than scum pledges to see if they are cool enough to make the gang. Somehow the conversation took a drastic turn towards banging out fat chicks. To which I must say is like riding a moped. Its fun, but you don't want to let your friends find out. This pledge confessed his amusement with all sorts of coital pleasure with the bbbs' (big boned bitches.) To this I merely said, "ewwwwwww." While the "Fighting Hellfish" do not condone this activity, the "Fighting Hellfish" do find it hilarious that he listens to Hungry Eyes by Journey while doing so. The "Fighting Hellfish" are not pleased, however, they are definately entertained.

*Side Note: The Fighting Hellfish are on the prowl, so watch your step.*

Today is Friday. I know this because of a calendar, not because it is a special day. There will be no weekend binge. There will be no joy to separate this madness from reality. There is no horizon here.
When you look out over the walls, the sky and ground run together. Like brackish water. Today is yesterday, and yesterday is all but forgotten...gone because despite the constant rushing work, nothing was accomplished. The days, punctuated by the beating war drum, march by. I cannot see their beginning or their end. All I can see is Friday, and I fucking hate it.

That is right ladies and gentlemen, you have heard it here first. Due to CNN and Fox News you now know more about what is going on in Iraq than us, not because the information is not there, but because we just don't care. Even though you know what's going on over here due to CNN and Fox, you don't really know how the everyday life goes and the stupidity that follows us through our daily activities. This is the precise reason this site was created, not to deliver you news, but to give you insight into life in Iraq.

That being said, enjoy the site and take it for what it is. Don't try to read between the lines cause there is nothing there.

On another note; The "Fighting Hellfish" are taking over this fucking joint. I will document the altercations exclusively on Life In Iraq. For all of you reading from Iraq and searching for an identity email us and we will see about giving you an identity in the "Fighting Hellfish", as for the rest of your life outside of the gang you are on your own.

I hope you enjoy our feeble attempts at humor, and if you don't go fuck yourself.

Fighting Hellfish Rock

Allright, so I'm not technically in Iraq. But have you ever driven through North St. Louis after dark? It's alot like Falluja in the fall.

Anyway...I'll add what I can to the site, but it is called "Life in Iraq", so it wouldn't make too much sense if I did the bulk of the writing.

Oh...happy birthday Marines! Was it only a short year ago that I became so loud and intoxicated that I was thrown out of the birthday ball? My, how time flies!

"I HATE YOU!" -Al Fritz (Nov, 2003)